Movie Review: Resident Evil Afterlife
I watch a lot of movies. And I can find some point in every one of them that I might like. But this one? Just one word: lame!
First thing: I'm not exactly a horror movie fan but once in a while I enjoy to watch one. Most of the time 'cause it's so stupid that I'm rather laughin' my ass off than havin' the creeps. So I started wathin' the Resident Evil movies just for fun. Well, first one was ok, somehow even exciting. The second was already extremely frothy. Third one was unintelligible but okay and the fourth...gosh, forget about it!
My beloved and me watched it together and there was never a time we were scared or something. In fact, we were bored shitless. No goof effects, no real plot. Might be that RE fans wanna beat me up now but seriously, I didn' see any story. It was more like: ok, we didn' find anyone expect an old friend - Claire Redfield - so we're headin' back into town, land the plane on a rooftop, find Chris Redfield - Claire's lost brother - save some guys and than realise we're not goin' anywhere 'cause our plane can carry only two persons. Ops, forgot the zombies, I'm sorry. Well, they're already standin' right at the gates! With company of a creepy, faceless giant mutant zombie with an even more giant axe. This one's not to kill so ops again, we're doomed. Fuck.
Okay, guys, let's dive away, lose some people, ah dammit, but that's collateral damage, find an exit to some boat (where the fuck did they get this boat suddenly? And how the bloody fuckin' hell did they managed to pass the zombies to get to the water??) and go to an abandoned ship called Arcadia. Oh, a nice white lab? Cool, let's keep goin'. Experiments with healthy people? Oh...awesome. Hey, look, there's some of our friends in this froster! Get her out, go on, find another lab and Mr. I thought he was killeb by an exploding plane Wesker and fight him.
Haha, he's dead, ops, or not. Good, shoot him again, he's already alive but later than he exploed a third time and hurray, we're saved. Or not...fuck, Umbreall Corporation bugged our transmission and is now comin' to get us. Hello fifth movie!
That's the whole movie...really. Nothing else but Mila runs, Mila jumps, Mila shoots, Mila wins. And a lot of slow motions. I mean a lot!!! I had the impression that there was a clause in every actor's contract that every five minutes there has to be a slowmo. And it was all so made for cheap 3D effects. Not like f.i. Avatar where the whole world seemed to be in front of ye and ye got the feeling that yer actually in there .
I imagine it thusly: the producers sat in their room with some coffee, maybe some joints and the knowledge that 3D is pretty popular atm.
"Ok, people are in cinemas to see some horror in 3D. Ok, guy,s let's point a weapon on them, let some zombie insides splatter in their faces and maybe...uhm...yeah, cool, let's throw sunglasses at them! That's it! Oh by the way, would be cool, if Mila's hand is out of the screen every ten minutes so the people get the feeling, they could touch her. Ok, mhm...yeah...well...uhm...some bullets, too? Okay, we're done!"
You get the picture? Every few minutes some stupid and absolutely unnecessary 3D effect. Might be that some people like if a gun is pointed at them. I already had this in "My bloody valentine" and even if it's just a fake gun, I don' like this. It's big crap! But even worse was the effect I mentioned: insides, cerebral matter and blood splashin' in yer face. Woohoo, what a lark!
And the end screams "SEQUEL!!!" so loud that ye sit there, starin' and thinkin': What the fuck are they goin' to do next?
Sometimes I regret that I complete series. The only one I never finished was "Final Destination" 'cause the fourth movie was so disgusting that my love an' me broke off. This time I wish we had. It was just boring and kinda unsavoury and nothing else.
And this is titled "the summer blockbuster in 3D"?! Guys, go home.
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